I started 2020 with a four course meal at one of the nicest restaurants in DC with my best friend, Gabby, by my side. I swore to myself that this was going to be my year. Just like everyone else, I just loved the sound that 2020 had to it. I was graduating that year, expecting to start my new life in my dream industry, and was set to make memories in my first year of being a true young adult. It felt like nothing was holding me back.
The first few months were normal, with some bumps in the road like Kobe and The Australian Fires, but in my personal life I felt like things were just getting started. Gabby and I had a trip planned to New York for our senior spring break. The week of, we hear that NYC had become the hotspot for the newfound disease, COVID-19. We decided to keep our plans without much hesitation, because we had nothing telling us otherwise. Our trip went according to plan: dinner and drinks, art museums, a Broadway show, shopping on 5th Avenue, Chelsea Market, I even had a job interview ( we can all assume how that worked out). We were conscious of washing our hands after every public encounter and walked rather than subway, but it all felt completely normal. It was the perfect start the the three month long senior celebration finishing off my college career.
The hotel bar is where my world began to shut down. Gabby with her mojito and I with my heavily poured glass of Chardonnay, watched the world's largest sources of influence shut down with each news update. NBA, The Masters, March Madness. On the bus the world continued to go dark. Broadway. The MoMa. The Olympics. Almost everything Gabby and I took part in that week, was gone. We sat on the bus staring at our phones unsure what would come of this.
Soon I would come to find that my childhood home would become my library for late night cram sessions, my desk to write my final papers, my bedroom for all of the anxious nights of sleep, my interview conference center to try and find any post grad job, and my refuge for FaceTiming my best friends. I would continue on to graduate college, my home for the past four years, with no plan- something I had feared for the whole fall semester prior. This is where I found you. I decided to create something to channel the life I wanted to live in the industry I have been trying so hard to break into. Week by week. Post by post. I would dissect parts of the industry and parts of myself for you all to read. The job market was wiped so this became my job.
Summer came and as I tried to push through the feeling of falling short to my own expectations, the feeling grew heavier. I became lonely from being separated from friends who shaped me and from outlets the freed me. My bed became the place where I buried myself from life and any problem it may give me. My motivation was gone. For applying to jobs. For creating content. For talking to friends. For working out. For watching TV. I was experiencing something I have never felt before. Depression.
In the fall I started a nannying job. Not only did I graduated with no plan, I was now a nanny living with my parents. In my mind I was ashamed of the life I lived and because of that every little thing made it worse. Being stood up on a date. Getting into a car accident. Eating what I though were "bad foods". Ripping a hole in my new shirt. It all felt like too much. One day in October it was. I broke down and knew the direction this road would take me. I was scared of myself and how dark it was in my head. I knew that this was not the type of person I wanted to become and knew that there was something in the world that could help me change that. So I started to read. I started to create a steady skincare routine. I started to pray and "going to" (more like watching) church. I started eating foods that nourished me and made me happy. I started writing again for this blog. I started doing workouts that didn't feel like a chore. I started rediscovering passions that made me feel something. I started listening to podcasts about things I wanted to grow in.
These are not answers for all, but they were answers for me. 2020 was a year I will never forget. I reached rock bottom for the first time in my life and I am still slowly finding my way out. The mental toughness I have learned to practice is something I plan to bring with me into all the years to come. If it were not for the lows I would never be able to feel this good now. I am not going to say "2021 is my year", but I feel more ready for another year of life than I ever have before and that is something that excites me. The world is tough and the world will teach you things that you can only learn the hard way. You will get through things when you decide you can. The one thing 2020 taught me was life is all about choices. You can choose a lot more about what happens to your life than you think. Take ownership of the life you live and do things that will make you proud. You also don't have to have the "perfect job" or "perfect apartment" or "perfect relationship" to be proud of your life. I you can run 5 miles or read book in a month, or commit to a morning routine. Only you can be the source of where you find validation. I always sign my posts with "Stay UNIQUE" because I want you all to be reminded of the gift that is originality.
Stay UNIQUE,
Sara Anne
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